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The power of words…



 
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deleted_user_687c31b
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2021 2:21 pm    Post subject: The power of words… Reply with quote

Playing the trumpet is a big part of my life and a grounding force in keeping a healthy mental and emotional balance. Tonight I got some well-intentioned feedback from a friend (a professional brass player) that was spot on, but that hit me like a sledgehammer. It was such that I’m seriously considering giving up playing, at least for the forseeable future, but maybe indefinitely.

My problems are my own of course, but the reason I’m posting this is because I want to highlight how much a certain comment can affect another human being. In my case, it was a friendly remark from a friend. But what about a snarky reply from a stranger? There’s a ongoing trend of ridiculing or demeaning people for the things they post (granted, TH is friendlier than most of the interweb) and I’d like to remind everyone here that deep down we’re all just passionate about trumpets. Words, even among friends, can have a deep impact on another’s life and I’d urge you to chose them carefully.

Anyway, thanks for your consideration, and the wisdom you’ve shared the past few years. You guys are great.

Take care,
H.
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kehaulani
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2021 4:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This may sound cold, but one has to have thick skin and a "don't give a sh**" attitude as a musician.

This doesn't mean that things can't sting -they can- but if you're going to survive as a musician, you have to learn to let go of resentment and overreacting.

Some comments are undeserved. When that happens, you have to 1) consider the source and 2) remember that having these feelings only hurt yourself. The perpetrator probably isn't giving you a second thought while, at he same time, you're letting him/her live in your mind. Don't play that game.

And sometimes, it's right on the money. When that happens to me, I remember the old saw that "when you're looking in the mirror pointing your finger, remember that it's pointing right back at you. ". I first use such an event to look as dispassionately at myself as I can. No excuses.

Once I've really looked inside, I then do what I can to resolve whatever shortcomings I can. I do my best but I can only do my best. Then, again, let go.

It doesn't hurt to learn to lessen stings before they happen. Meditate, do Yoga. Do whatever you can regularly to lessen stress in your life. It will lessen the stress of criticism when it comes.

Oh yes. Easy to say, hard to do. Remember, it's not all about you.

Good Luck.
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Last edited by kehaulani on Fri Oct 22, 2021 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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blbaumgarn
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2021 10:35 pm    Post subject: the power of words.... Reply with quote

Don't let something anyone else would say dissuade you from playing. Years ago I was playing with municipal band and then they asked me to start playing some in church. I agreed and it bothered my wife that they asked me and she started making nasty remarks about my playing. These continued until after we separated and were eventually divorced. They were derogatory and eventually they meant enough where they accomplished their goal and I sold my prized Benge 5x. I got where I wanted to play again, but didn't have the horn I loved. And that is OK, too, because I play to a great extant, for me. You must do the same. Sure you do it for those that ask you too. Think about how you would feel about playing had those remarks never been said? Cool down, and believe in yourself and in your love of music. Good Luck. Kehaulani is very much right.
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Wild Russian SK
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Joined: 18 Oct 2021
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2021 10:57 am    Post subject: Re: The power of words… Reply with quote

hibidogrulez wrote:
Playing the trumpet is a big part of my life and a grounding force in keeping a healthy mental and emotional balance. Tonight I got some well-intentioned feedback from a friend (a professional brass player) that was spot on, but that hit me like a sledgehammer. It was such that I’m seriously considering giving up playing, at least for the forseeable future, but maybe indefinitely.

My problems are my own of course, but the reason I’m posting this is because I want to highlight how much a certain comment can affect another human being. In my case, it was a friendly remark from a friend. But what about a snarky reply from a stranger? There’s a ongoing trend of ridiculing or demeaning people for the things they post (granted, TH is friendlier than most of the interweb) and I’d like to remind everyone here that deep down we’re all just passionate about trumpets. Words, even among friends, can have a deep impact on another’s life and I’d urge you to chose them carefully.

Anyway, thanks for your consideration, and the wisdom you’ve shared the past few years. You guys are great.

Take care,
H.

Friend, play for yourself))For myself, I remembered that criticism should be treated the same as praise (do not react), if you are happy when you are praised, then it will hurt when you are criticized, you need to maintain balance and be in harmony with yourself))there is a pipe saying about conductors, Good conductors have good coffins, and bad ones have bad ones :)it's the same situation here
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JayKosta
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2021 2:49 pm    Post subject: Re: The power of words… Reply with quote

hibidogrulez wrote:
... I got some well-intentioned feedback from a friend (a professional brass player) that was spot on, but that hit me like a sledgehammer. ...

-------------------------------------------------
I think a good 'first step' would be to consider if the 'feedback' is shared by other people who are familiar with your situation.

You might feel that the feedback is 'spot on', but it might be that other people do not agree.

Then there is the question about 'is a change needed', and 'how to make things better'.
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delano
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2021 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Spot on but hit me like a sledgehammer". How is that possible?
I am here a bit on the same line as Kehaulani.

A lot of amateur players underestimate the giant gap between the skills of a pro and theirs. The difference is often VERY big, in sound, articulation, interpretation, technical skills, fast reading and so on. In my whole life I have met only a very few amateur musicians who came close to the average pro.

So the comment you got was maybe spot on but you could have been prepared.
On the other side: it's not only bad news.
To be a pro musician is IMO often not a profession I would like to have. 95% of all the pros are what I call 'servant musicians'. They are called up, get the music sheets in front and have to play that just as it is. I see players I know and who have great skills, playing the most stupid things in an orchestra on the tv. Sometimes embarrassing. Ok they play it well but it is still stupid. Being in a symphony orchestra as a trumpet player may only be slightly better but they are also just servants, (I have experience in that when I was a trombone player).

From the ranks of the 'servant-musicians' only a very few climb up to be in a better position as a soloist, Miles, Freddie, jazzmusicians can free themselves sometimes, and players like Doc, Adam Rapa, Dowesdell, Thomas Gansch. And some classical guys: mr. André, Serge that kind of players.

So be glad that you can play what you want, but don't have the pretention that you are on par with the professional 'servants' and instead of that, enjoy your freedom.

BTW, Bix Beiderbecke once had the idea that he has to take lessons to learn to play properly and went to mr. Joe Gustat. Gustat told Bix ("let's not kid ourselves") that from a symphony man's viewpoint Bix did everything wrong, fingering, phrasing, attacks, vibrato. And he said: "But look at me- I'm a musician in a cage, I envy you, you have a great God-given gift and be proud on it, don't try to change it."
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Seymor B Fudd
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2021 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can relate to your experience - not so much because of having been criticised (of course I have)- but because of the passion for the music. How? You probably play because playing strikes a "string" inside, thereby giving rise to feelings that somehow captures a deep down aspect of yourself. In other words: whenever you play you are putting your soul out there on a plate, for everyone to see, and taste. So if you get some remarks, kind or nasty you will probably experience this as an assault on your very being.
You have identified yourself with your playing.

But you are so much more than a trumpet-player (easy to say, yes I know......).
Playing your horn, hoping to share some sentiments with the listerner(s)
("it´s all about communication, stupid" )is in reality like chatting; or telling a story.
Then you happen to tell something the other one doesn´t like - well everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. But we tend to experience that suddenly becomes a battle between life and death - (your playing stinks, go kill yourself, please spare humanity from this garbage). Remember "garbage in garbage out..." GIGO, or Marchall Mc Luhans´"The media is the message".

So your pro friend did not criticise you, he expressed views on some aspect of your playing. I side with Keheulanis´comments - adding "**** happens".(By the way the ever present superior judge of expressions permitted just reached down from the heavens and made a correction) Who, in the whole world of trumpet players can say "I have never made a mistake, pro or not pro?

So, go home, sit down in a comfy chair, reflect on what might be adjusted and come back. There is one sentence I once read on the TH "I always wanted to be perfect, but in reality I was hoping to become better than that" (I don´t recall the exact words).
In my brassband, from early on, there seemed to be kind of a law "thou shalt not make mistakes while playing". So what happened? I, and many others were always anxious, and of course, made mistakes. In the University band I joined during my studies there was another law "Thou art allowed to make whatever mistake you want". The result: I was never anxious and did surprisingly few mistakes.
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deleted_user_687c31b
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2021 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There’s a lot of wisdom in these replies and I really appreciate that you’ve taken the time to write them. I had a whole post written up but I suppose that ultimately, it doesn’t matter much what happened.

Your posts have been very kind and supportive, basically the best that TrumpetHerald can be. I sincerely, and humbly, thank you for that.
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