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Big Dave88 Veteran Member
Joined: 31 Mar 2011 Posts: 479
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:17 am Post subject: orchestral personel standards. |
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enjoy!
conductor -
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
concertmaster -
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
oboist -
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
horn player -
Barely clears quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
forwards God's emails. hands with st. peter and st. paul.
bassoonist -
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
second violinist -
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
manager -
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
TRUMPET PLAYER -
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is occasionally addressed by God. Hangs with Gabriel and Michael.
the original is here -
http://www.angelfire.com/jazz/papermusic/orchpers.html
if you want to check it out... _________________ "Bud didn't worry about this..."
-Barenboim |
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Dale Proctor Heavyweight Member
Joined: 26 May 2005 Posts: 9389 Location: Heart of Dixie
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 4:56 am Post subject: |
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There's something similar out there for brass band personnel... _________________ "Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away ." - Sir Thomas Beecham |
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kehaulani Heavyweight Member
Joined: 23 Mar 2003 Posts: 9193 Location: Hawai`i - Texas
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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I believe that list began in the military comparing various rank, ending with a Second Lieutenant and a senior NCO. Pretty clever. It was presented to me on the first day of my first assignment as a Second Lieutenant . . . lest I forget the normal order of things, LOL. _________________ "If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn." Bird
"Well, even if I could play like Wynton, I wouldn't play like Wynton." Chet Baker
Adams A-9 Trumpet
Benge 3X Cornet
Getzen Capri Cornet (for sale). |
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Crazy Finn Heavyweight Member
Joined: 27 Dec 2001 Posts: 8348 Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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Gee, that wasn't biased at all... _________________ LA Benge 3X Bb Trumpet
Selmer Radial Bb Trumpet
Yamaha 6335S Bb Trumpet
Besson 709 Bb Trumpet
Bach 184L Bb Cornet
Yamaha 731 Bb Flugelhorn |
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Craig Swartz Heavyweight Member
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 7771 Location: Des Moines, IA area
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Does Robert King still list that "Trumpet Player's Handbook" (specified as "humor")? (Think that's what it was called.) Some a-hole ran off with mine but it pegged everyone in an orchestra pretty well, even within the trumpet section itself. |
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RandyTX Heavyweight Member
Joined: 25 Mar 2010 Posts: 5304 Location: Central Texas
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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The Brass Band version:
The Archetypal Brass Band
1 Eb Soprano cornet: too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band.
1 Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato.
1 Second man down or bumper upper: either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
1 Third man down: loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
1 Fourth man down: like third man down, only louder and thicker!
1 Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal.
2 2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo horn: usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses: look like two drunken farts
2 Bb basses: sound like two drunken farts
Percussion: Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor: So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good! _________________ "Music is like candy, you throw the (w)rappers away." |
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Crazy Finn Heavyweight Member
Joined: 27 Dec 2001 Posts: 8348 Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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_________________ LA Benge 3X Bb Trumpet
Selmer Radial Bb Trumpet
Yamaha 6335S Bb Trumpet
Besson 709 Bb Trumpet
Bach 184L Bb Cornet
Yamaha 731 Bb Flugelhorn |
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Big Dave88 Veteran Member
Joined: 31 Mar 2011 Posts: 479
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Posted: Wed Apr 27, 2011 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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nice! _________________ "Bud didn't worry about this..."
-Barenboim |
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Andy Del Heavyweight Member
Joined: 30 Jun 2005 Posts: 2669 Location: sunny Sydney, Australia
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Posted: Thu Apr 28, 2011 5:59 am Post subject: |
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Someone knows the last brass band I played in, as loudest and thickest member of the cornet section. Dunno about the trombones however, they didn't seem capable of rasping the skin off a rice pudding...
cheers
Andy _________________ so many horns, so few good notes... |
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